He knew exactly who I was, yet he loved me anyway."--Treka L. House
So I haven’t blogged in a while and my friend has been on me about it. My imagination and passion is determined, so there is no telling what I will write. My mind spews words into my ear at the most unfavorable time and sometimes I have to get the words out. I decided to blog something different this time, a creative piece. Here goes nothing:
You called her unappealing and left her for someone more ideal for your ego. You used the love she had for you, as a source of power and validation for yourself. You were selfish, insecure and cowardly; yet you tried to plant those unpalatable seeds inside of her. You wanted to make her believe that those ramblings were her character, just so she could feel privileged to have you, when in fact, you were the favored one. You thought she'd stick around forever, pining away for you; authenticating the little boy inside of you, who has yet to become a man. You weren't counting on me coming in and stimulating her into falling in love with herself. You so boyishly thought that you would be the only one to love her and hold a place in her heart. You thought that you had power over her, as you used her to power yourself.
Let’s be clear, it was never about me winning her over. It was about me helping her find herself in your bullshit of self-loathing. I didn't hover over her begging her to see me. I gave her the space she needed to continue to love you until she was ready to let you go. I promoted the time for her to grieve the loss of you, and that devastating relationship that she'd known for so long. I held the mirror in front of my face, so that she didn't see me, but herself instead. I didn't want her latching on to me, before she could discover her love for self. I walked with her in silence as she shed the pounds of misery that she accumulated over the course of wasted time she spent with you. I offered my shoulder for her to cry on as she rid her being of the toxic particles of you. I refrained from touching her physically, as to avoid her confusing lust with love or distracting herself from herself with me. I shared no feelings of how I was madly in love with her. Not out of fear of rejection, but out of respect for not wanting to influence something that should happen naturally. She was vulnerable and use to finding solace in someone else. I wanted her to recognize her own power, only to realize the power we would later have together. She did exactly what she was supposed to do, organically. She fell madly in love with herself and in that moment, she concluded that she had fallen in love with me too. I didn't have to manipulate her into those feelings, but without hesitation, I reciprocated those emotions. In the moments that she was falling for herself, I too was falling for her. An unbreakable bond into eternity was spawned. I adored her strength, the way she could still love in spite of and her selfless acts of kindness toward others; even when she was battling torture herself. I saw her from the inside out and honestly, though I possessed endless love for myself, her smile seemed to heal scars I thought had already healed. I guess you can say, that my Queen and I were rescuing each other.
So here you are standing before me, declaring that my Queen be returned to you; as if either of us owns her. She's her own woman. No man can possess her without her permission. However, we are as one, and she has firmly stated that's she's mine. Boy, I'm grateful for that.
I’m assuming by the sadness in your eyes and your uncomfortable posture, that you've received the same treatment you inflicted upon my Queen from your so-called "green grass”. You suddenly understand that the grass was indeed greener on this side. Such a late awareness; nevertheless, there is no home for you here. There is no coming back to what you so thoughtlessly abandoned.
I know, know —you’ll claim that I stole your good thang, the good thang that you didn't think was so good. The good thang that you played around on. The good thang that you laughed about to your friends. The good thang that you abused. Naw brother, you gave her away. You walked her to my front door and dropped an amazing woman at my door step, and for that, you're owed a "thank you". There will be no returns over here partna. Not because I control her or because she's dependent on me. But because she loves herself and I love how she loves the both of us. The both of us, meaning she and I. See, I don't need for her to hate herself in order for me to love me or for me to feel good about being the man I was born to be. There is no solidity in that and that's where you got the game twisted. You threw her away like she was nothing, when she loved you without condition. When she didn't miss a moment supporting you. When she sacrificed her dreams to encourage yours. When she catered to you, washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house and serviced you without complaint. You didn't appreciate that, you wanted something meaningless and superficial. You needed a temporary ego boost. You wanted something to make you feel better about yourself, something that was external, and an obvious knock-off to the real thang.
So scurry along, back to that thang you couldn't live without. That thang that wooed you, wowed you and that convinced you to neglect a beautiful, invaluable woman; which is now my forever thang. She, who you come knocking for, is mine now. She's so ravishing on the inside, so no matter what her exterior goes through, I'll still have a gorgeous woman.
You could have built her up, as she so willingly did you, but you were too unassured to do that. Now you are left with the spirit of regret and the torture of watching me cater to, love and support a good thang that was once yours. Shame on you. Don't be mad at me brother. Be mad at your damn self, you walked away from all this magnificence. She and I, simply met up for our couple of forevers. I don't blame you for returning, if I’d figured out what I’d lost, I would have too. But there is nothing to claim here.
I do have some advice for you though. Take some time to work out your insecurities and learn to love yourself, because if you don't; there will be an endless, lonely cycle for you. You'll continue to hurt women, giving Kings like me the okay to show her how to restore herself. This will never end well for you. Sure, you'll have your so-called friends, who share the same self-conscious traits as you, cheering you on and stroking your ego like you're the man. I guess you fools will be sitting unloved and dismal together; until one day you see her, walking with him. They'll be hand and hand, beaming and euphoric; while you're sitting there reminiscing like a lonely imbecile, about how that could have been yours. Now take that advice and leave this territory, my territory. Never come back here, for there is nothing for you here. I bid you farewell, for this King undoubtedly loves his Queen.