I know how much you crave love and affection, especially since your father was too absent to give it. His absence still make you question if you’re good enough, even when you don’t want to. You’ve allowed your body and mind to be manipulated, that still tortures you. You didn’t mind being used at first, at least you were being seen. You now hold your tongue, when you need to speak up. You hold on to people, when they should’ve been dismissed before they fully entered your life. You pretend to believe words you know are lies, because even lies can be beautiful. You allow hell to be your home, that’s all you feel you deserve.
I know all you want is to be special to that special somebody; yet it seems that either you’re not special or there’s no one special for you. In the mist of your search, you settle for “good enough” instead of what you’re worthy of. I know you’re like a chameleon, always adjusting who you are for him, them and they. So much so, you can’t identify the reflection that is suppose to be you. You’re sick of it, but what do you do about it. I see you smiling a smile so beautiful, showing off your pearly whites; all while your spirit is drowning from the tears flowing internally. Everyone is watching you and somehow intrigued by what they see. You’ve somehow become a staple of inspiration, but you need someone to inspire you. I’ve noticed how you laugh in a crowd, when you really want to hide from it all. You’re told how beautiful you are, in your head it’s another lie motivated by personal gain. It’s hard not to notice all your pretending, when you really want to show the world all your pain. You dream and hold on to the happiness you pray awaits you.
Well I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to add all the extras to your appearance to be beautiful and you damn sure don’t have to wait for an empty compliment to actually be beautiful. No matter what social media exposes, you don’t have to reveal private parts of yourself to be noticed. It’s definitely acceptable to be independent and to have standards. You shouldn’t allow anyone to convince you otherwise, especially deceitful insecurities. You need you more than you need anyone else, for you will never leave you. Neglect, absences and manipulation should be a reminder that you play the most significant role in your own life. The way you love you gives others a blueprint to how to love you. Just know that when you begin to question who you are, it’s less about how you’re perceived by others and more about how you love yourself. Never let go of the fact that if you can actually love yourself, you’ll never be without love.