“You must sit back and reflect on yourself sometimes, to realize that you have lingering issues. You have to realize you need real healing, not just saying you’re healed when you’re having a good day. You have to rip the mask off and be one hundred with the person you can no longer dodge – yourself. It’s necessary to step back and try to understand you. That’s when it gets real. Thats when the healing truly begins. It starts with self first.” —T. L. House
I wrote the quote above for myself. It was for me to face what I had covered with dirt forever. The pain that I wanted to forget. The hurt that I felt if I owned, would destroy me. Maybe you can relate. That quote forced self-reflection upon me, because as a black woman, I've always felt that I had to keep pushing, no matter what. That's what I saw and honestly, that became all I knew. When an issue would come my way, I would grab it up, ball it up and bury it. I'd push all the negative to the back of my mind and snatch up every piece of positivity I had, owing to the fact, that it was my fuel to keep pushing. I was ashamed of things in my life that I had no control of. I concentrated on what I wanted to achieve in life for myself, without realizing that there were things that needed to addressed before I could successfully move forward. Ignoring things and temporarily covering stuff didn't help. It actually made it worse. I didn't realize it until the small pile of mess became a mountain of mess. My despair stayed put until a trigger caused it to rain and then that thing that hurt me so bad was exposed. I learned that you can only entomb mess for so long before you look around and realize you're surrounded by it all, I don't care how positive you are. You can't outrun it, because problems have legs too. Issues will chase you down and plant roots in the same spot as you. It'll have you paranoid, thinking that everyone is lurking around with an agenda for you, when in reality, you need to develop an agenda for yourself. Everything you do is temporary until you confront your painful stalker. It's sad, but we can't even be transparent with ourselves, the vulnerability is just too paralyzing. We feel as though it's hindering, so we dare not part our lips to someone else; though I understand. There is absolutely very little loyalty in 2015, killing good relationships that can only be built on trust. People are too consumed with establishing their reputation from what they can expose about others, so I get the trust issues. However, you must still start with yourself before you can even begin to convey your feelings or experiences with anyone else. I've found these moments with self are the most difficult, since it leaves us feeling helpless and secluded. Whether you talk to someone you know or someone you pay, talking it out gets you to a place of clarity within yourself for yourself. Don't sit in your mess, you'll only just stand and find an even bigger mess smeared all over you. Take care of yourself and not just on the surface.